Pedo-Meter Reader

I love sending away for free stuff, but I don't think the feeling is mutual. I've recently had a string of really bad luck as it relates to mail-aways.

As you may remember, Sara Lee ran out of Buzz Lightyear lunch boxes before I could get mine; my Toy Story 3 Alien light and Hamm bank from Kellogg's have been lost in postal limbo for the past month; and M&M's never sent me the free bag of Pretzel M&M's they promised me on Facebook!

Today the mailman (who always double parks behind the three cars closest to the mailboxes) left me a small padded envelope in my mailbox. The envelope was sent from Nature's Bounty. That name didn't ring a bell, but the envelope was addressed to me (or current resident), so I knew it had to be important.

Inside was this tiny green digital clock.

Twenty-three o'clock? You certainly get what you pay for. Wait, maybe it's set to army time. Wait some more, there's a tiny piece of folded-up paper in the envelope as well.

Oh, now I see. According to this instructional pamphlet, this is actually a "Mini Pedo-Meter". Thanks for the intel, instructional pamphlet. You have served your purpose and can now be thrown away without a second thought.

From what I can gather, a Pedo-Meter measures the distance between you and the nearest pedo. Does that mean that my "Mini Pedo-Meter" will only measure mini-pedos? I suppose they are the sneakiest.

If this Pedo-Meter is to be believed, the nearest pedo is 38.251 somethings away. I hope that's miles. If they are any closer than that, aren't they required to tell us?

Update: I have been informed that a pedometer is primarily used to measure the steps you have taken.

I have to admit feeling somewhat silly now. I actually remembered that my girlfriend and I each purchased this pedometer a while back. They worked really well for about a year. Then the battery died and we were faced with making a decision between buying replacement batteries or never again knowing how many steps we have taken. Sometimes you are rewarded for procrastination.

I put the pedometer on my dog because I'm more interested in how many steps he takes in a day. Do I have to multiply the number by two because he has two sets of legs?

To Dell and Back

My previous blog was composed and posted from my wonderfully understanding girlfriend's laptop.

A little more than a week ago, my computer greeted me with the always unwelcome blue screen of death. I tried all the usual tricks to try and resuscitate it; I turned it off. I unplugged it. I dusted it. Nothing was working.

My extended service warranty had lapsed and Dell's normally helpful tech support could only do so much without treading on charge-me-by-the-minute territory. I was understandably pessimistic about the situation. I was stuck in a balancing act between wanting to have my computer back and an aversion to spending a lot of money. Between parts and labor, I wasn't sure if fixing the machine I've had since 2004 was financially the best option.

I finally conceded that I would lug my tower into Best Buy to see what the Geeks thought; but before that, I was going to give DIY tech support one more attempt. I ran a memory test and it failed right off the bat. I had already diagnosed one of my two hard drives as a paperweight and was still operating under the presumption that the problem was directly related to that.

I have two memory sticks installed in my machine that equal 1gig of memory. I removed one and tried the memory test again. Fail. I removed the other and replaced the first and ran the test one more time. Pass!  A big, green, triumphant pass!

From there on, things ran smoothly. I was able to install my OS and even updated from XP to Vista. My sound wasn't working at first, but I ran Windows updater and just like that we were in business. I'm down to one hard drive and more unfortunately only 500mbs of RAM, but the important thing is I fixed my computer I didn't have to pay nobody a dime.

Suck it, Geek Squad.

Amazon's Most Expensive Items

Hey big spender, the holiday gift giving season may be several months away, but if you plan on having any of these items under the tree come Holiday morning, then your broke ass will want to start saving now.

Are you under constant threat of lion attack? Then the Proporta Elephant Camouflage kit may be for you. Proporta uses their “Clear Blue Sky Disappearing Technology” to help you literally vanish into thin air, allowing you to “evade dangerous predators, tourists and boring guests at tea and bun parties”. It’s unclear if this elephant camouflage is an elephant shaped suit for expeditionists hoping to get an up close look at some nature or if this item is aimed at actual elephants who are looking for a little peace and quiet. You can find out yourself for a mere $1,484,423.95.

I don’t own Kindle and if Selected Nuclear Materials and Engineering’s $6,431.20 price tag is an indication of how much it costs to read books on a calculator, I think I will stick to paperbacks—or nothing, as the case my be.

The Ultrafin Stirrup is perfect for that aspiring OBGYN in your family. For only $8,426, little Johnny can get a leg up on the competition. Ultrafin’s reinforced rod and joint assembly and flexible boot allows the system to accommodate patients weighing upwards of 800 pounds; but that’s disgusting. The Ultrafin Stirrup is found in the Beauty section of Amazon alongside Osmo Essence’s Blinding Shine Illuminating Finisher, which can be yours for a reasonable $19,318 per 4.2 ounces.

Supposedly a diamond is a girl’s best friend, but for $685,380, this Certified Diamond better promise to be more than friends. The diamond is described as pear shaped, but it looks more like a tear to me, which is appropriate if the lady you give this to turns you down. Almost 700 thousand dollars may sound like a lot of money for something you’re buying from Amazon, but keep in mind that this item does qualify for free shipping.

Ordering food on-line has never sounded appetizing to me, but even I have to agree that this $8,020.32 Iranian Asetra 000 Caviar Malossol looks delicious. I think if I was paying more than 8 thousand dollars for a snack, I would be more inclined to lock it away in a safe rather than put it next to the mustard in the fridge. Luckily for hypothetical me, Amazon lists this $180,000 Traum Heirloom Safe. I would buy this safe, but I’m holding out for the temperature controlled version. Also, the combined value of everything I own is considerably less than the cost of the safe.